if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
