i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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