I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
