i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
