just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
