he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
