I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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