hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Redeem this text for a blowjob
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
