now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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