I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
