If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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