Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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