My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
