I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
