Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
