my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
what is it with giant penises always finding me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
