So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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