literally had 100 drinks last night.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
