just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
