You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The maid of honor just puked.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
