and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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