He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Boobs speak an international language.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize