My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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