Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
