he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
