You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
another moral hangover. fuck.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She told me I should be a condom model.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
