T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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