"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
