So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
