The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
