I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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