I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
