I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
