At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Operation Purity has been aborted
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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