When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
