Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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