I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
