I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
