i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
