Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
