K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
