My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
