I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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