ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
