so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize