I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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