No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
