remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
