toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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