He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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