Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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