new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize