you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
