Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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