dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
