i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize