dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
