Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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