I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
